Gaining Love

When it came to deciding what I would write about today, it took me a while, but I thought I might as well get this topic over with - Gaining love (a.k.a. weight). I call it love because that’s how I have to think about it right now. Using the word love has a more positive sound to it and it helps me remember the reasons I’m going through all these emotions and changes.

I’m not going to lie… in the beginning (sometimes even now), it was/is the hardest thing to deal with about this pregnancy (all the moms out there are thinking… just wait ‘til labor). I remember just being in shock about the extra love that was developing – I couldn’t even process the fact in my head. I remember trying to squeeze into my size 0 jeans – ha! You can see I was not in my right mind.

To date, I’ve only gained about 11 lbs. of love, but to me it feels like 50 lbs.! I cried about it to myself and to my dear husband who was trying his best to be patient, but I can imagine it’s difficult when he and everyone else are thinking, well, what do you expect – that’s what is supposed to happen!

I know that is what happens, but it doesn’t mean I can’t feel the emotions of frustration and hopelessness. You might be thinking I’m acting selfishly or just plain ridiculous, but my friends, I can tell you these are real emotions and they are not mine – they are the e.d. emotions. I have to let myself feel them because if I don’t, I can’t resolve them.

Breathe. I start with this because there is nothing else I can do when I feel this way. My second step is to think about why I feel this way and then how I can change these feelings. I’m a strong believer in there is a reason for everything, but when an e.d. is involved there is no reasoning, because its just plain crazy! So when I decide how to change these feelings, I think of… what reason can I come up with that will make me feel better. The reason: I feel this way because I’m afraid of getting fat.

How can I change the reason I feel this way? I do my research to see what the experts have to say – doctors, etc. (I’m looking for facts here). After that, I come up with a more logical reason of why this is happening. The new reason: I’m freakin’ pregnant and there is another human growing inside me – this is what happens!

Are you catching what’s going on here guys…I just came up with what everyone else is thinking and telling me. But for me to understand it and resolve my emotions I have to know myself what is true by checking facts, I have to make the choice and come up with the solution on my own.

You’re thinking, whoa, she is crazy - but you know what? The fact that I can go through this process, and come up with the solution on my own – this is what makes me feel in control.

I doubt this is how all people recovering with an e.d. deal with issues like these, but it is what I’ve found that works for me. I can tell you that most people with an e.d. are very strong-willed and when something is stuck in their head – good luck trying to convince them otherwise.

So why am I putting myself through this process of gaining love – it’s all for the love of the baby bump.

I'd Rather Have a Root Canal

First of all, I’d like to thank all of you for your love, support, and most encouraging posts! You have truly touched my heart and I know I have made the right decision to start this blog!

Ok, so I want to talk about prenatal Dr. visits today and the worse thing about them. One of the most terrifying things for me is yes; you guessed it – the dreaded scale! I already have a million things going on with my body, as a matter of fact, I don’t even feel like I’m in my own body and they want me to step on a scale so I can see how much weight I’ve gained –what!? Do I get a prize? Unfortunately no, zip, nada, zero-prize-o!

So, as you can see getting on the scale for me every four weeks is pure torcher, and yes, I’d rather have a root canal. However, I have developed a coping mechanism… I don’t look at the weight when I’m on there – I simply close my eyes and wait for the nurse to say, “ok, you’re done.”

Oh, and the other thing you’re aloud to do is take off your shoes. I know, some of you are probably thinking… come on Kel your shoes only weigh like 1-lb., but to me every pound counts!

Did you know, some countries in Europe, pregnant women don’t get weighed at all during their visits – I wish our American Dr.’s had the same sensitivity!

Alas, life goes on and no matter what every visit I can expect to get weighed, but the way I have to look at it is that my baby and all the other junk in there are the ones gaining the weight which is a good sign. Ultimately I want the healthiest baby I can have, so I do my best to keep that in mind and try not to focus on the extra “love” that’s been added to my bod.

Clear the Air

Ok guys, before I go any further I feel like I need to explain a few misconceptions and perhaps some unknowns about eating disorders (e.d.). I feel like you need to hear these things to help you understand some of my own feelings, fears, and actions that I will continue to post about. Please keep in mind e.d.'s can not be explained so easily - there are many more pieces of the puzzle to this disease, but the "pieces" I will talk about below are important ones.

#1-Its not about the food. Although most people think it is, this is a huge false. It is about control, or lack there of. Most, if not all, people who develop an e.d. do it because something in their life feels or is out of control and they have no idea how to control it or deal with it. One of the easiest things to control for anyone is what you put in your mouth. Even though the e.d. makes you feel incredibly strong and almost euphoric and in control - it's actually the complete opposite. You are out of control. The longer the e.d. rules you, the less control you have.

#2-Angels and demons. I've read many books over the years about e.d.'s and one of the best ways I can describe what it is like is to... picture in some movies when you see actors in turmoil, deciding what to do - they sometimes will show an angel on one shoulder and a demon on the other. This is what an e.d. makes you do go through, every second, every minute, of every day, 24/7. It is a constant battle taking place in your head. Some give in to it and just become numb. Others know its killing them, but are so scared to turn the other way and try to recover for fear of "loosing their control," and getting fat. Gaining weight to them is having no control, which means their life just turns upside down again and that is their biggest fear! More importantly they just don't know any other way.

#3-It never goes away. You can recover from an e.d., however, it never really goes away. Those who do recover - the e.d. does not have the "power" it once did, but its kind of like that quiet little voice in the back of your head, or on your shoulder, that is still there... whispering in your ear. For some throughout troubled times in their lives, they will relapse or turn again to their old habits. Others will not because they have learned other ways of dealing with problems or life events and they choose to not let the e.d. manifest. Did you catch that? I said THEY CHOOSE. That is true control that while their deep into the e.d. they do not recognize.

Ok, this was some heavy stuff, but please, if anyone has questions feel free to email me or post something here on the blog.

Where it all began

Hey guys - I'm so excited to see some of my friends and family already following me - it makes me smile! I have so much to write about, I'm not quite sure where to begin, but I guess that's better than having writers block!

I guess I'll begin by telling you where I'm at now...

• 15 weeks & 5 days preggers
• 34 years old
• First time pregnant
• Married (to an awesome man and my best friend)
• One dog, two cats
• working full-time in marketing
• living in suburbia

Funny, I found out I was pregnant randomly while watching the Kourtney & Khloe Kardashian show (real quality TV folks!). Oddly enough it was the episode where Kourtney found out she was preggers. So, I figured why not, I'll take a test.

The test was positive. At first I just walked away - it didn't really sink in. Then I went back about a half hour later and I remember saying "oh f***!" I took another test that same day to make sure and it was positive as well.

When my husband got home from golfing that day I couldn't wait to tell him, although I should have waited until he was sitting down because he looked as if he would pass out any minute (in a good way). He kept asking me... really!?

The next day I still didn't believe it. I bought another test (a different brand) and took another two tests - they too were positive. It still wasn't sinking in, so I made a dr. appointment. I also made them give me a blood test to be sure.

Low and behold it was positive and that is where it all began...!

Tear down walls...

One of my all time favorite English professors once told me, use your senses and write from your heart. From then on, my whole outlook on writing changed and so did I. My writing is how I blog and my first journey through pregnancy is why I blog.

I'm really not one for new year's resolutions, but this year is different. Even though I don't consider myself a mother yet, I feel the need to improve myself. So, my resolution this year is to tear down walls.

If you know me, I'm normally a private person. I don't feel comfortable sharing information about myself, but I'm learning the more I share, the more I grow. The more I expose. The more others see.

I'm not saying I want to share everything :) but what I am saying is that the more things I want to improve about myself - those things are what I need to share and write about. For some reason writing it all down and sharing it with others helps me heal and calms a part of me.

Often times I think some of us feel the need to put on a front for others and pretend to be someone we are not. I am guilty of this at times, but the less I do of it, the better I feel. I want to do less of this in the coming year, and my goal is to be more real and to accept me for me.

This blog is my harbor, my words are what sails this ship, and wherever it may take me and those who follow, I hope we have an inspirational journey!

Happy New Year!

Hang tight guys... I'll be posting shortly. Thanks for dropping by!