Gaining Love

When it came to deciding what I would write about today, it took me a while, but I thought I might as well get this topic over with - Gaining love (a.k.a. weight). I call it love because that’s how I have to think about it right now. Using the word love has a more positive sound to it and it helps me remember the reasons I’m going through all these emotions and changes.

I’m not going to lie… in the beginning (sometimes even now), it was/is the hardest thing to deal with about this pregnancy (all the moms out there are thinking… just wait ‘til labor). I remember just being in shock about the extra love that was developing – I couldn’t even process the fact in my head. I remember trying to squeeze into my size 0 jeans – ha! You can see I was not in my right mind.

To date, I’ve only gained about 11 lbs. of love, but to me it feels like 50 lbs.! I cried about it to myself and to my dear husband who was trying his best to be patient, but I can imagine it’s difficult when he and everyone else are thinking, well, what do you expect – that’s what is supposed to happen!

I know that is what happens, but it doesn’t mean I can’t feel the emotions of frustration and hopelessness. You might be thinking I’m acting selfishly or just plain ridiculous, but my friends, I can tell you these are real emotions and they are not mine – they are the e.d. emotions. I have to let myself feel them because if I don’t, I can’t resolve them.

Breathe. I start with this because there is nothing else I can do when I feel this way. My second step is to think about why I feel this way and then how I can change these feelings. I’m a strong believer in there is a reason for everything, but when an e.d. is involved there is no reasoning, because its just plain crazy! So when I decide how to change these feelings, I think of… what reason can I come up with that will make me feel better. The reason: I feel this way because I’m afraid of getting fat.

How can I change the reason I feel this way? I do my research to see what the experts have to say – doctors, etc. (I’m looking for facts here). After that, I come up with a more logical reason of why this is happening. The new reason: I’m freakin’ pregnant and there is another human growing inside me – this is what happens!

Are you catching what’s going on here guys…I just came up with what everyone else is thinking and telling me. But for me to understand it and resolve my emotions I have to know myself what is true by checking facts, I have to make the choice and come up with the solution on my own.

You’re thinking, whoa, she is crazy - but you know what? The fact that I can go through this process, and come up with the solution on my own – this is what makes me feel in control.

I doubt this is how all people recovering with an e.d. deal with issues like these, but it is what I’ve found that works for me. I can tell you that most people with an e.d. are very strong-willed and when something is stuck in their head – good luck trying to convince them otherwise.

So why am I putting myself through this process of gaining love – it’s all for the love of the baby bump.