You Can Do Magic!

I know, I know… it’s been a while since I’ve written, but I haven’t forgotten! So, first things first - baby girl now weighs almost 4-lbs. and is measuring over 16-in. in length! Her heart is strong and the count down begins – less than 8 weeks to go!

I’m sure 8 weeks seems like a long time to everyone else, or so they tell me. However, to me, I’m feelin’ pretty good that I have 7 months down already! So, don’t burst my bubble – ok!?

Did I mention trying to move at this point involves some serious physics! Yeh, it’s really getting difficult to do anything and apparently funny to watch, according to hubs.

All I have to say is thank goodness for arms! They have now become catapulting mechanisms used to lift all of my extra ‘love’ from a sitting to a standing position. Actually, now that I think about it, I believe I’ve seen an infomercial about a chair for senior citizens that does just that… or there’s always Life Alert.

“Yeh hello, Life Alert – I know I’m totally out of your target market, but I’m trying to be proactive in case of any emergency fall due to the giant beach ball attached to my stomach. What’s that, you’re running a 2-for-1 special – great! I might need the extra one in case I fall on one and crush it to bits… like what happens to the copier in Office Space!”

So how do I feel about all this extra ‘love?’ Well, if it isn’t obvious, I find it frustrating, but I know the reason for it and then it makes me smile. It’s kind of a love/hate relationship. Although, the love part is pretty awesome, I must admit!

We had another ultrasound the other day and baby girl was SO amazing and real! Of course we were trying to get a picture of her face, but she was holding her foot in one hand and sucking her thumb with the other – it was cutest thing ever! Then she yawned – seriously, who would have thought a yawn could melt your heart! I swear this girl has something like Tinkerbell’s pixie dust that she uses to put me under her spell.

Oh well, so be it… I’ve been hit by my little pixie and I love it!

Blame It On The Rain!

I’ve been debating whether or not to post on this subject, however, after much consideration I figured what good is this blog if I can’t be honest. So here goes…

I know what perfect is to me, but I’m also realizing there are many other definitions out there. So, why does my definition have to seem so… well, perfect and where did it come from!?

I always felt I had to be perfect at everything. Perfect hair, perfect clothes, perfect grades in school, perfect words, etc. I know I’m no where near perfection, but why am I still struggling so hard with this feeling? I thought the older you got, the wiser you got. Apparently there are some issues that linger, like the smell of fish in the fridge you threw out weeks ago – yum!

Ok, maybe not so yum, but how does one get this feeling? Can we blame it on our parents – probably not? Can we blame it on the rain, like Milli-Vanilli? Can we blame it on the media? Who knows… All I do know is that trying to be perfect is painstakingly difficult and wears on the heart and mind.

A very smart therapist once gave me two very good pieces of advice that unfortunately I have not been practicing lately, but that I will never forget –

1) Accomplish a minimum of two things each day and worry about the rest some other day.
2) The 3 ft. rule: don’t stress about the little things that go unnoticed by others even though you know they exist. (example: if your nail polish is chipping, screw it, no one else is going to notice!)

I’m scared to death that I will pass this definition of perfect onto my daughter. I never want her to feel this way, but I’m not sure how to do it.

This is a constant struggle for me each day and I’m trying my best to learn that I don’t have to be perfect. So, I’m asking you all – what do you do? What is your definition of perfect? Do any of you feel this way?

Do you color outside the lines? Do you skip a workout and eat a brownie? Do you call off sick for a mental health day? I want to know!

Don't Rock the Boat!

Hey all! I must apologize for not writing sooner, but life has been busy.

There are two topics I’d like to talk about. Besides my ‘nesting’ phase syndrome, baby took her first vacation this past week… and needless to say it was not quite a vacation for mom and dad.

We went on our first (and last) cruise to the Bahamas. Yes, I got sea sick and it sucks – big time! What a waste of a nice steak dinner! Anyway, the food wasn’t the best I’ve had and the company was less than desirable. Drunk hoes over 40 in 4-inch heels, frat boys, red-neck ‘Bud’ heads, and bone, thugs and harmony were the majority… need I say more.

The funniest part of this trip was my preconceived apprehension to let anyone see me in summer fashion, let alone a bathing suit, however, with all the rest of the nonsense that happened to me while on the trip – my woes paled in comparison. I guess I could consider this a blessing (ah, yikes I hate to say it) in disguise!?

Isn’t it humorous how things find a way of working out? Although, I didn’t have to worry as much about sporting my bikini while prego, I did have to worry about puking my guts out every night and dealing with annoying cruiser misfits – ha!

So what about this nesting phase… I feel as if I’ve been in it my whole life (thanks Mom!). Must be the hormones, but can I tell you that a fuzz ball is annoying as hell to me right now. It’s kind of like when you move… you want to clean and throw out everything that does not have a purpose.

Dear baby girl, in your honor, mommy is organizing the World’s Largest Yard Sale (honey, hide your golf clubs)!

While in the nesting phase, besides trying out for Merry-Maids cleaning services, apparently you also feel the need to have everything set-up and ready to rock – most importantly the nursery.

A few weeks ago I had a panic attack because my husband told me we had plenty of time and there was no need to order furniture for the baby’s room right now. I think I turned into a monster with two-heads spinning while throwing flames and chanting that infamous 3-digit number. Poor hubs looked at me like he was watching some horror / sci-fi flick – sorry babe.

Although my scare tactic did work… we ordered the furniture the following night.

Let me just end by saying “don’t rock the boat (figuratively and literally)!” Husbands and other non-pregos, you may find yourselves in purgatory before you know it. Hugs!

Eat Your Heart Out Mary Lou!

Have you ever wondered what it feels like to have a gymnast inside your belly? Probably not, but l’m here to let you know it’s quite fascinating and totally life changing!

I know it’s been a while since my last post, but every time I go to type I get distracted by this little swirling-twirling, kicking, stretching, jumping baby girl. Ok, maybe that is just an excuse and I’ve been lazy, but nonetheless…

It is amazing how much stronger baby girl is getting and although the gigantic snow storm last week was not fun for most, it was a time I will not forget. My husband was away in St. Louis for work, so I was literally snowed in due to the large ice mountain in the front of my garage… anyway, I had laid down to take a nap and I felt this bump… bump, bump on the side of my belly. I had felt movements before, but ever so lightly – kind of like a butterfly fluttering around inside. However, this feeling was much different and much more noticeable.

The books said I would feel the baby stronger with each passing week and boy were they right. As I lay there on the couch I wondered if I put my hand on my side if I could actually “feel” it!? So, I did and waited for the next bump.

Bump - I felt it! Whoa, one of the coolest feelings in the world! A tiny little foot hitting the side of my belly – it was SO real and so cool I could have laid there all day, but eventually I think she fell asleep.

I couldn’t wait for hubs to get home so he could share my experience!

Sure enough, that Friday evening I was lying down once again and felt her, bump, bump. I reached for my hubs hand and placed it on my side – he closed his eyes and we waited…

Bump – he felt it! His eyes opened wide and he smiled so big, it was the coolest! He couldn’t believe it, but I think it became very real for him at that moment that this baby girl was really in there.

It made me think – what is baby girl doing in there? Is she trying out her newly strengthened muscles? Is she shakin’ her booty to the music? Or, has she begun her gymnastic career already!?

Whatever she was, or is doing in there I think it’s her way of telling us, “hey guys, I’m in here and it won’t be long until I’m out and I want you to know-so get ready!”

One more thing before I sign off. You know although I continue to gain ‘love’ in all the wrong places, it doesn’t seem to matter as much right now and for once in my life it feels pretty damn good not to think about getting fat every second of every day. Thank you baby girl for giving me strength!

Wow, who would have thought I would get my strength and courage from a 1-lb. baby.

And it truly is… all for the love of the baby bump!

Half-Way Point!

Hey guys – I can’t believe I’m at the half-way point already! I had my 20 week ultrasound and we found out what the baby is! It’s a………………………..girl!

The ultrasound was SO cool! It was amazing what you could see – the toes, ribs, spine, heart beating, even her yawn! Sean (hubs) and Brittney (my sis) were there with me. Thank goodness my sis was there – she is going to make a great ultrasound tech. She was pointing everything out to us and explaining what the real tech was taking pictures of – she was grrrreat!

The ultrasound tech we had was a real lame-o! No energy and just plain boring. You could tell she was totally uninterested and going as quickly as possible.

I’ll tell ya what… after seeing that, it makes having a babe pretty real. Sometimes I have moments in the day when I’m just going about my day and all of a sudden I realize, shit, I’m having a baby! Sorry for the language, but it’s really what I’m thinking! It’s like a moment of panic, but then I think about seeing her face for the first time and I almost start crying - geez, these emotions are crazy!

Right before I had the ultrasound done, I had my routine appointment… yes, the dreaded scale made its normal appearance. Uh, after stepping on it (shoes off!) the nurse chuckled and said, “wow” I’ve had two people at that exact same weight today!” Is it bad that I wanted to punch her face off?

It was a little traumatic to see that I had a weight spike. This is technical term the dr’s call it – they believe it makes you feel better). I like to think of it as a love spike.

The thing that really blew my mind was that after I saw the ultrasound, the love spike totally disappeared from my head… as if it had never happened. Can you believe this? Who would have thought seeing my baby could cure my feelings of PSTD (post traumatic stress disorder – ha!). It’s true – the baby cast a spell on my heart and I felt instantly better.

I can only think to myself that this must be one blessing of having a child… it’s not all about you anymore. I’m sure at times this will not feel like a blessing, but for me – it’s a good thang!

True love is awesome!

Have You Been Hit by the Weary Wand?

Standing in my closet, looking at my clothes I started thinking, ok, I can’t wear that, my boobs will SO look like a hooker in that top, I can’t wear that, too tight, no way in hell I’m getting those buttoned… yes it’s true, I no longer see what I’m going to wear, I see what I can’t wear. A bit sad and depressing however, I do prefer to look on the bright side - the less choices I have, the less time it will take me to decide, right?

As I was pondering what to wear this morning I thought to myself… even though I’m preggers I can still be fashionable, right!? When you become a mom, does that mean that you need to get beat down by the weary-dreary wand? I think not!

I have always loved fashion and I still do. I refuse to purchase moo-moos, granny tops, and pants that look like they jumped out from the 80’s just because I have a baby bump. I refuse to give in to the attitude, well; I’m going to be a mom now, so there’s no point in looking nice or at least trying to look human.

Sorry to all the moms out there who do not share my opinions, but I need to feel hot, sexy and good about myself. Otherwise, who am I – just a mom? Hell no! I am a woman who loves herself, who is learning to love this new body of hers and who still loves fashion.

I hear what you’re saying… ha, ha – wait until the baby comes and who get no sleep. I’m aware that it will be rough in the beginning and yeh, maybe I will look a little less like myself and be too exhausted to dress nice, do my hair, or take a shower, but that is temporary.

I will not forget who I am. I will not become one who forgets about herself just because she is now a mom. I will love myself and continue to take pride in my looks, my body and most importantly my inner-self! I will not follow the crowd and make excuses, I will not be lazy and turn into Kelly at age 50…

I will be me! I will love and care for my child, but I will also love and care for myself. So, to all of you out there – suck it! Take some time for yourself, stop feeling so damn guilty just because society makes you feel so, do something for you and know you deserve it!

Whatever It Takes

So, the other night I was feeling kind of yuck, and just plain huge. Thanks to my awesome hubby, he challenged me to a belly contest – Who’s bigger? After much scrutiny and picture taking we came to a conclusion… I still have the smallest belly – whoo-hoo!

Can I tell you how great my husband is? The other week I bought my first pair of maternity jeans, the kind with the humongous panel of fabric in the front – not exactly the greatest fashion piece in my closet. I took them home, tried them on and showed them to my husband. He told me, “Babe, your butt still looks great, even in maternity jeans!”

You can imagine the smile and warm fuzzy feeling I got from hearing that. Especially when I look in the mirror now and all I can see are two bumps – one in the front and one large one in the back. However, after that comment, I looked in the mirror the next morning and thought to myself… damn, he was right, I still got it!

(Side Note: I’m thinking of the song by Fergie… my humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps… check it out!)

All I can say is that I’m truly blessed to have a husband that will do whatever it takes to make me happy! XOXO!

Gaining Love

When it came to deciding what I would write about today, it took me a while, but I thought I might as well get this topic over with - Gaining love (a.k.a. weight). I call it love because that’s how I have to think about it right now. Using the word love has a more positive sound to it and it helps me remember the reasons I’m going through all these emotions and changes.

I’m not going to lie… in the beginning (sometimes even now), it was/is the hardest thing to deal with about this pregnancy (all the moms out there are thinking… just wait ‘til labor). I remember just being in shock about the extra love that was developing – I couldn’t even process the fact in my head. I remember trying to squeeze into my size 0 jeans – ha! You can see I was not in my right mind.

To date, I’ve only gained about 11 lbs. of love, but to me it feels like 50 lbs.! I cried about it to myself and to my dear husband who was trying his best to be patient, but I can imagine it’s difficult when he and everyone else are thinking, well, what do you expect – that’s what is supposed to happen!

I know that is what happens, but it doesn’t mean I can’t feel the emotions of frustration and hopelessness. You might be thinking I’m acting selfishly or just plain ridiculous, but my friends, I can tell you these are real emotions and they are not mine – they are the e.d. emotions. I have to let myself feel them because if I don’t, I can’t resolve them.

Breathe. I start with this because there is nothing else I can do when I feel this way. My second step is to think about why I feel this way and then how I can change these feelings. I’m a strong believer in there is a reason for everything, but when an e.d. is involved there is no reasoning, because its just plain crazy! So when I decide how to change these feelings, I think of… what reason can I come up with that will make me feel better. The reason: I feel this way because I’m afraid of getting fat.

How can I change the reason I feel this way? I do my research to see what the experts have to say – doctors, etc. (I’m looking for facts here). After that, I come up with a more logical reason of why this is happening. The new reason: I’m freakin’ pregnant and there is another human growing inside me – this is what happens!

Are you catching what’s going on here guys…I just came up with what everyone else is thinking and telling me. But for me to understand it and resolve my emotions I have to know myself what is true by checking facts, I have to make the choice and come up with the solution on my own.

You’re thinking, whoa, she is crazy - but you know what? The fact that I can go through this process, and come up with the solution on my own – this is what makes me feel in control.

I doubt this is how all people recovering with an e.d. deal with issues like these, but it is what I’ve found that works for me. I can tell you that most people with an e.d. are very strong-willed and when something is stuck in their head – good luck trying to convince them otherwise.

So why am I putting myself through this process of gaining love – it’s all for the love of the baby bump.

I'd Rather Have a Root Canal

First of all, I’d like to thank all of you for your love, support, and most encouraging posts! You have truly touched my heart and I know I have made the right decision to start this blog!

Ok, so I want to talk about prenatal Dr. visits today and the worse thing about them. One of the most terrifying things for me is yes; you guessed it – the dreaded scale! I already have a million things going on with my body, as a matter of fact, I don’t even feel like I’m in my own body and they want me to step on a scale so I can see how much weight I’ve gained –what!? Do I get a prize? Unfortunately no, zip, nada, zero-prize-o!

So, as you can see getting on the scale for me every four weeks is pure torcher, and yes, I’d rather have a root canal. However, I have developed a coping mechanism… I don’t look at the weight when I’m on there – I simply close my eyes and wait for the nurse to say, “ok, you’re done.”

Oh, and the other thing you’re aloud to do is take off your shoes. I know, some of you are probably thinking… come on Kel your shoes only weigh like 1-lb., but to me every pound counts!

Did you know, some countries in Europe, pregnant women don’t get weighed at all during their visits – I wish our American Dr.’s had the same sensitivity!

Alas, life goes on and no matter what every visit I can expect to get weighed, but the way I have to look at it is that my baby and all the other junk in there are the ones gaining the weight which is a good sign. Ultimately I want the healthiest baby I can have, so I do my best to keep that in mind and try not to focus on the extra “love” that’s been added to my bod.

Clear the Air

Ok guys, before I go any further I feel like I need to explain a few misconceptions and perhaps some unknowns about eating disorders (e.d.). I feel like you need to hear these things to help you understand some of my own feelings, fears, and actions that I will continue to post about. Please keep in mind e.d.'s can not be explained so easily - there are many more pieces of the puzzle to this disease, but the "pieces" I will talk about below are important ones.

#1-Its not about the food. Although most people think it is, this is a huge false. It is about control, or lack there of. Most, if not all, people who develop an e.d. do it because something in their life feels or is out of control and they have no idea how to control it or deal with it. One of the easiest things to control for anyone is what you put in your mouth. Even though the e.d. makes you feel incredibly strong and almost euphoric and in control - it's actually the complete opposite. You are out of control. The longer the e.d. rules you, the less control you have.

#2-Angels and demons. I've read many books over the years about e.d.'s and one of the best ways I can describe what it is like is to... picture in some movies when you see actors in turmoil, deciding what to do - they sometimes will show an angel on one shoulder and a demon on the other. This is what an e.d. makes you do go through, every second, every minute, of every day, 24/7. It is a constant battle taking place in your head. Some give in to it and just become numb. Others know its killing them, but are so scared to turn the other way and try to recover for fear of "loosing their control," and getting fat. Gaining weight to them is having no control, which means their life just turns upside down again and that is their biggest fear! More importantly they just don't know any other way.

#3-It never goes away. You can recover from an e.d., however, it never really goes away. Those who do recover - the e.d. does not have the "power" it once did, but its kind of like that quiet little voice in the back of your head, or on your shoulder, that is still there... whispering in your ear. For some throughout troubled times in their lives, they will relapse or turn again to their old habits. Others will not because they have learned other ways of dealing with problems or life events and they choose to not let the e.d. manifest. Did you catch that? I said THEY CHOOSE. That is true control that while their deep into the e.d. they do not recognize.

Ok, this was some heavy stuff, but please, if anyone has questions feel free to email me or post something here on the blog.

Where it all began

Hey guys - I'm so excited to see some of my friends and family already following me - it makes me smile! I have so much to write about, I'm not quite sure where to begin, but I guess that's better than having writers block!

I guess I'll begin by telling you where I'm at now...

• 15 weeks & 5 days preggers
• 34 years old
• First time pregnant
• Married (to an awesome man and my best friend)
• One dog, two cats
• working full-time in marketing
• living in suburbia

Funny, I found out I was pregnant randomly while watching the Kourtney & Khloe Kardashian show (real quality TV folks!). Oddly enough it was the episode where Kourtney found out she was preggers. So, I figured why not, I'll take a test.

The test was positive. At first I just walked away - it didn't really sink in. Then I went back about a half hour later and I remember saying "oh f***!" I took another test that same day to make sure and it was positive as well.

When my husband got home from golfing that day I couldn't wait to tell him, although I should have waited until he was sitting down because he looked as if he would pass out any minute (in a good way). He kept asking me... really!?

The next day I still didn't believe it. I bought another test (a different brand) and took another two tests - they too were positive. It still wasn't sinking in, so I made a dr. appointment. I also made them give me a blood test to be sure.

Low and behold it was positive and that is where it all began...!